Once upon a time on a dark sunny day…

Thumbling thoughts with no reason in it are also part of memories. Feelings, emotions, overwhelming and most time hidden under a heavy lid. We don’t know exactly where memories are stored in the brain, although we do know that the hippocampus is important in forming new memories the memories themselves don’t resident long there. They might even diffuse throughout the body. Why else would we put our hands to our hearts when expressing the feeling about someone we love? Or point to our belly to express that there’s something very dark hidden in us?

Without much (conscious) effort we manage to keep the lid put firmly. Not aware how much the content under the lid, or the void most likely, is influencing our present lives. Until something distracts us and we let our attention slip for just a millisecond. Life’s lessons don’t have clear timetables and when they present themselves they don’t appear as kind invitations to grow.

Rationally you know you’ve dealt with your past experiences. However, emotionally it takes much longer before acceptance does occur.  A lifetime, sometimes. After all it takes a whole lot of courage to take a look under the lid and even more so to unwire the mess and reconnect it properly again. A task which is almost too much to do alone. Like in the case of Alice.

She was very young when you was disconnected for the first time. She didn’t fall in the famous rabbit hole yet but let’s say that she sprained her ankle on its surface while running in the imaginary woods of her childhood. Not able to bond really with her peers but not showing much trouble either. It was not long before she was really disconnected. This time it was serious and physically visible so she received much concern and care from people in her environment. She dwelled in the attention she got then, it felt almost like being popular and loved. Meanwhile the wounds seem to heal properly. What Alice didn’t know at that time was that the true wound has been covered under the metaphorically lid. And stayed there for a very long time, unhealed.

It was confusing to feel totally despair without a single soul present who could explain what was going on. It was not constantly that she felt that way but more attack wise. It terrified her to feel not able to breath and many times she thought she would die or was losing her mind. There was more that bothered Alice at that time. She was also afraid to express anger. Afraid to drive the people she needed most to survive away from her.  At that point it was clear to her that the physical expression of arousal had a psychological foundation. If only there was some psychological help. A long journey began and she found some but not all the help she was looking for. It never seemed enough to reach out to the matter under the lid. She learned to peek briefly under it but was ready to flee from it again quickly. After a while she became aware of her greatest fear, being alone by herself, without distractions from the muddy pool she could easily drown in. She felt she was frequently lured into that challenge by life’s lessons because she was attracted to people who did not bond really to her. Sometimes she confused those feelings with love. If only she learned to love others for who they really are then she would… What? Find happiness? Being whole again? Lifelong commitment?

Then fortunately her helpers were born. Kindly pushing and stretching her boundaries. Teaching her the skills she lacked so far. They made her see she was somehow worthy. With so much unconditional love she was ready to jump out of the nest of lonely safety she was living in.

Another journey began where she learned that she was rather harsh for herself. She had much to catch up with and felt that no matter whatever she accomplished, it was never enough. Never enough.

She was still striving for acceptance. Acknowledgement for her birthright to live, love and be loved. At the time I start working with her slowly she became ready to really look under the lid. To disentangle the mess and reconnect the wires. At that time it started to make sense to her what loving oneself is. I accepted her for who she was and made her stand out for herself. Told her that true love does not need clinging to and that umbilical cords are very flexible by the way. Oh and of course she may say no or have her demands. It is her life, she rules it. Sweet Alice doesn’t need to be sweet all the time. Alone is not lonely per se. And lonely does not always mean being by yourself. Damn, Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? It’s me who is still standing and turned July in the bright and sunny time of year again.